STRIPPED: REMEMBER ME (?)

An open letter to my “unknown lover” :

When you disappeared, it felt like you died. You removed yourself from my life so abruptly, I never even got the chance to say goodbye… and during the inevitable reflection that has come along with this isolating quarantine, I’m now realizing I most likely will never have that chance.

But you didn’t just remove yourself from my life- you removed me from yours…so in a way, I died too.

everything at once
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to rightful artist and Audrey Emmett (excerpt from her poetry novel, Everything At Once).

I never even saw it coming- or if I did, you kept assuring me that you weren’t going anywhere, and that if you were, you’d at least let me know; but instead you killed us both and made us ghosts to one another, for reasons so uncertain and inexplicable they will likely haunt me forever.

IMG_1681
*Excerpt from Courtney Peppernell’s Pillow Thoughts II.

To have the audacity to look deep into my eyes and say, “I know you like me and I know you trust me,” only to vanish days later without a word, and then give an unacceptable- most likely dishonest- “excuse” a few weeks after that…

All I can say is…how dare you? 

How could any remotely decent human being do that to someone they claim to care about? What does that even make you? What does that make me- who completely fell for someone like you? I don’t know who’s more of a monster at this point.

Both of us?

One of us?

Neither of us? 

I wish I had the answers.

Now I’m left to grieve you, to grieve myself, to grieve what could have been, all while grieving humanity during this global pandemic tragedy.

IMG_0863
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to The Nap Ministry, as well as Denise Dombkowski Hopkins and Michael S. Koppel. 

I’m just so sorry. I hate that I feel guilty for something that I know wasn’t my fault, and wasn’t necessarily yours either. I hate that I probably stressed you out, or that my anxiety caused you to misunderstand me. I hate that I can’t talk to you or clarify things. You’re the only one I want to talk to and I can’t do it and I HATE it. 

IMG_2160
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to Samantha King Holmes. 

I hate that I still feel this way after months and months and MONTHS of trying to work through it. I feel like I’m in the “bargaining” stage of grief; I’d give anything to talk to you again.

IMG_1682
*Excerpt from Courtney Peppernell’s Pillow Thoughts II.

I hate how sad and weak and desperate I sound for admitting that. I’m so devastated and there’s no excuse for it, it’s just pathetic at this point. I hate that the validity of my feelings always seems to have a strict expiration date- and a short one, at that. My friends are over it. Everyone is so tired of hearing me constantly, CONSTANTLY vent about it, but I assure you, no one is more exhausted by it than me. 

IMG_5535
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to Nikita Gill. 

I wish I could have been enough.

I wish you could have been honest.

I wish I could forget you as easily as you forgot me. 

But most of all I just wish that you didn’t disappear.

we didnt end in a sonic boom poem
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to Kristen Costello. 

I wasn’t ready to become dead to you, and I certainly wasn’t ready for you to become dead to me. You made that decision on your own, and I’ll never understand why. I never wanted any of this, but I know there’s nothing I can do to bring you back, or change the past. 

IMG_1200
*Excerpt from r.h. Sin’s She Felt Like Feeling Nothing.

All I know is that you made me feel something new and special, and then something familiar and terrible. You told me you didn’t want to hurt me, but then you hurt me so badly that you now make me wish I was numb again.

I used to believe that it was better to feel dead and numb to emotion, than alive and vulnerable to all feelings. I thought feeling nothing was better than feeling everything, because I mostly only felt pain…but the tiny sparks of genuinely happy feelings were so powerful and vibrant, they managed to convince me that perhaps I had it backwards-perhaps feeling sadness and heartbreak could be worth it, if it meant I could also feel the love and warmth of happiness and connection. But now, I’m not so sure what’s better or worse– feeling nothing and wasting the experience of life, or feeling everything- including pain so toxic and crippling that it makes death seem like a paper cut- just to feel alive and happy for a few wonderful moments? 

I think it takes a special kind of bravery to open yourself up to feeling everything- the good, bad, beautiful, and ugly- because there are no guarantees in this life. I guess a successful relationship or connection is when both people involved are willing to set their cowardice aside and risk the potential pain, in hopes of being rewarded with a love so great and a bond so strong, they’re inspired to be brave for one another. 

at least i had the courage
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to rightful artist/author.

I suppose to be “human” is to feel, and that’s both our most treasured gift and cruelest curse. I honestly thought I’d already learned that lesson from others a long time ago; I didn’t think I’d have to learn it from you too, let alone on an even more elevated scale. When I thought you might leave a mark on my heart, I never imagined it would be a scar. 

i cant stand the sound of my heart breaking again

I’m just so exhausted by this emotional war within myself; I’m tired of my heart feeling like a graveyard. How many more souls have to be lost for this gruesome cycle of devastation to finally be over? I’d give anything to simply calm the chaos in my mind, heart, and soul.

IMG_2155
*Excerpt from r.h. Sin’s Whiskey Words & a Shovel III.

What you gave me was an unexpected sense of peace that I didn’t know I was ever capable of feeling- and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to feel it again. Tearing that peace away, after insisting that you wouldn’t, is why this betrayal has been so difficult to heal from- in addition to the uncertainty of whether or not I’ll ever get to feel that special kind of peace again with someone else. If you thought my trust issues were bad when I first met you, I can say with 100% certainty that they’re even worse now. I’m having so much trouble understanding why any of this needed to happen? 

broken spirit
*Excerpt from Courtney Peppernell’s Pillow Thoughts II.

I wish I had never met you, or that we could have met under different circumstances.

More than anything, I just wish things were different. 

IMG_0333
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to rightful artist, and Ernest Hemingway (from his novel: The Sun Also Rises). 

Life is too short for the foolish generational games of “who can feel less.” You were special to me, you always will be, and I don’t really give a f*ck if that makes me strange or “intense,” because I meant every word I said to you. My feelings were honest and sincere and nothing will ever change that. 

honest feelings and bad timing
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to rightful creator/writer. 

Despite everything, I hope that on some level, those genuine feelings help you heal. I hope they plant roots in your heart and soul that make it possible for you to grow into the exceptional man I saw in you, and that they help you become less afraid to truly feel and love someone. You seemed like you wanted that connection so badly, but were too afraid to have the real thing. Maybe that’s just me being a pretentious emotional jackass, but from your seemingly sincere behavior, and adamant insistence on intimacy and emotional vulnerability, it’s what I saw. I hope meeting me somehow made your life better instead of worse, even though you couldn’t do the same for me; I hope you never leave another person the way you left me.

absinthe
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to Nikita Gill.

I’ll always wonder if you fully understood how much you meant to me, and how much it crushed me when I realized I wasn’t even close to meaning that much to you. I don’t know what’s worse– you being completely oblivious to your significance in my life, or being fully aware of it and not caring at all. 

IMG_2157
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to Samantha King Holmes. 

I know I can’t keep letting you haunt me.

stop forcing life into the ghost of what he used to be poem
*Excerpt from r.h. Sin’s She Just Wants To Forget.

I know I can’t stay in this little corner I’ve carved for you in my mind and heart, nestled in my memory of you. I know I have to find a way to let you go, but I also know that I need to do so on my own terms, in my own time. 

IMG_2156
*Excerpt from r.h. Sin’s She’s Strong But She’s Tired.

With each day that passes, I hope to get at least one small step closer to forgiving you, and accepting that you’re truly gone- though I know I have a long, lonely road ahead. 

IMG_1570
*Excerpt from Billy Chapata’s Chameleon Aura.

I don’t miss you, but I miss how alive you made me feel, and what could have been- if only we had more time.

IMG_1685
*Excerpt from Courtney Peppernell’s Pillow Thoughts II.
maybe we were meant to meet but not meant to be
*I do not own this image. Credit belongs to j.b.
this is how id like to remember you- mermaids voice returns in this one
*Excerpt from Amanda Lovelace’s the mermaid’s voice returns in this one.
you were what i neededl
*Excerpt from Courtney Peppernell’s Pillow Thoughts II.

Rest In Peace. 

IMG_1279-resize

 

~ Final Moments ~

“Are you hiding from me down there…?”

His lips curve into a smile.

His hands playfully tug on my hair.

His voice mischievously taunts me. 

 

I don’t know what to say…

 

I bury my face further into his chest.

I listen to the soothing murmur of his

heartbeat. 

I absorb every. last. detail. 

For another time, another life…

 

“Just give me a moment…”

 

A moment to remember 

your hands

effortlessly entwining with mine.

 

A moment to remember 

your arms

firmly wrapping around me.

 

A moment to remember 

your fingers

slowly weaving through my hair. 

 

A moment to remember 

your lips 

softly caressing my forehead. 

 

A moment to remember 

your eyes

dreamily gazing into mine.

 

A moment to remember 

finally feeling 

at peace. 

 

With life.

With you.

With myself.

 

For once. 

Just for a moment. 

This moment.

 

It will be over soon…

 

I wish we could be even closer. 

I wish I could make this last longer.

I wish I could tell him everything.

I know he will tell me nothing. 

I know this is all we’ll ever have. 

I know he will disappear.

 

I know,

but still,

I wish…

 

So I stay here

in this corner of my memory-

nuzzled in his chest, 

attuned to his heart, 

enveloped in his arms-

and I hug him a little tighter. 

 

“What was that for?” 

He tilts his head.

He raises his brow.

He smirks with amusement. 

 

What can I say…? 

 

It was for this moment-

this brief but powerful collision,

this sudden merging of our timelines,

this unexpected connection-

so you will always remember

that you are not alone. 

 

You won’t remember 

my face.

You won’t remember 

my voice.

You won’t even remember 

my name.

 

But no matter where life takes you-

though I know it will be far,

and full of adventure-

whenever you feel lonely:

 

Remember 

the calming warmth of my embrace.

Remember 

the sweet scent of my hair. 

Remember 

the gentle touch of my hands. 

Remember 

the timid softness of my lips.

Remember 

the shy darkness of my eyes.

Remember 

what we almost shared…

 

Almost.

 

As you live on inside my mind

I’m haunted by this question:

 

Was any of it real,

or just my own invention?

 

Perhaps it’s too much too ask-

I know it’s foolish to even hope…

 

But if I ever had the chance to choose:


I’d rather live as a

Memory,

than die a forgotten

Ghost.

 

– remember me (?)

IMG_1270-resize

 

Xx,

K

*Inspirational Songs of Choice:

“Ghost” – Halsey

“Hurt” – 2WEI

“ghostin” – Ariana Grande

“Still Hurting” – Anna Kendrick (from the movie/musical The Last Five Years)

“Lacrymosa” – Evanescence 

“Unusual Way” – Nicole Kidman (from the movie/musical Nine)

“Sorry” – Halsey

“Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” – Emmy Rossum (from the movie/musical The Phantom of the Opera)

“The Iron Throne” – Ramin Djawadi (from the series finale of Game of Thrones)

“Don’t Forget Me”- Katharine McPhee (from the musical TV series SMASH)

“Rain On Me” – Lady Gaga feat. Ariana Grande

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.