An open letter to my “unknown lover” :
When you disappeared, it felt like you died. You removed yourself from my life so abruptly, I never even got the chance to say goodbye… and during the inevitable reflection that has come along with this isolating quarantine, I’m now realizing I most likely will never have that chance.
But you didn’t just remove yourself from my life- you removed me from yours…so in a way, I died too.
I never even saw it coming- or if I did, you kept assuring me that you weren’t going anywhere, and that if you were, you’d at least let me know; but instead you killed us both and made us ghosts to one another, for reasons so uncertain and inexplicable they will likely haunt me forever.
To have the audacity to look deep into my eyes and say, “I know you like me and I know you trust me,” only to vanish days later without a word, and then give an unacceptable- most likely dishonest- “excuse” a few weeks after that…
All I can say is…how dare you?
How could any remotely decent human being do that to someone they claim to care about? What does that even make you? What does that make me- who completely fell for someone like you? I don’t know who’s more of a monster at this point.
Both of us?
One of us?
Neither of us?
I wish I had the answers.
Now I’m left to grieve you, to grieve myself, to grieve what could have been, all while grieving humanity during this global pandemic tragedy.
I’m just so sorry. I hate that I feel guilty for something that I know wasn’t my fault, and wasn’t necessarily yours either. I hate that I probably stressed you out, or that my anxiety caused you to misunderstand me. I hate that I can’t talk to you or clarify things. You’re the only one I want to talk to and I can’t do it and I HATE it.
I hate that I still feel this way after months and months and MONTHS of trying to work through it. I feel like I’m in the “bargaining” stage of grief; I’d give anything to talk to you again.
I hate how sad and weak and desperate I sound for admitting that. I’m so devastated and there’s no excuse for it, it’s just pathetic at this point. I hate that the validity of my feelings always seems to have a strict expiration date- and a short one, at that. My friends are over it. Everyone is so tired of hearing me constantly, CONSTANTLY vent about it, but I assure you, no one is more exhausted by it than me.
I wish I could have been enough.
I wish you could have been honest.
I wish I could forget you as easily as you forgot me.
But most of all I just wish that you didn’t disappear.
I wasn’t ready to become dead to you, and I certainly wasn’t ready for you to become dead to me. You made that decision on your own, and I’ll never understand why. I never wanted any of this, but I know there’s nothing I can do to bring you back, or change the past.
All I know is that you made me feel something new and special, and then something familiar and terrible. You told me you didn’t want to hurt me, but then you hurt me so badly that you now make me wish I was numb again.
I used to believe that it was better to feel dead and numb to emotion, than alive and vulnerable to all feelings. I thought feeling nothing was better than feeling everything, because I mostly only felt pain…but the tiny sparks of genuinely happy feelings were so powerful and vibrant, they managed to convince me that perhaps I had it backwards-perhaps feeling sadness and heartbreak could be worth it, if it meant I could also feel the love and warmth of happiness and connection. But now, I’m not so sure what’s better or worse– feeling nothing and wasting the experience of life, or feeling everything- including pain so toxic and crippling that it makes death seem like a paper cut- just to feel alive and happy for a few wonderful moments?
I think it takes a special kind of bravery to open yourself up to feeling everything- the good, bad, beautiful, and ugly- because there are no guarantees in this life. I guess a successful relationship or connection is when both people involved are willing to set their cowardice aside and risk the potential pain, in hopes of being rewarded with a love so great and a bond so strong, they’re inspired to be brave for one another.
I suppose to be “human” is to feel, and that’s both our most treasured gift and cruelest curse. I honestly thought I’d already learned that lesson from others a long time ago; I didn’t think I’d have to learn it from you too, let alone on an even more elevated scale. When I thought you might leave a mark on my heart, I never imagined it would be a scar.
I’m just so exhausted by this emotional war within myself; I’m tired of my heart feeling like a graveyard. How many more souls have to be lost for this gruesome cycle of devastation to finally be over? I’d give anything to simply calm the chaos in my mind, heart, and soul.
What you gave me was an unexpected sense of peace that I didn’t know I was ever capable of feeling- and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to feel it again. Tearing that peace away, after insisting that you wouldn’t, is why this betrayal has been so difficult to heal from- in addition to the uncertainty of whether or not I’ll ever get to feel that special kind of peace again with someone else. If you thought my trust issues were bad when I first met you, I can say with 100% certainty that they’re even worse now. I’m having so much trouble understanding why any of this needed to happen?
I wish I had never met you, or that we could have met under different circumstances.
More than anything, I just wish things were different.
Life is too short for the foolish generational games of “who can feel less.” You were special to me, you always will be, and I don’t really give a f*ck if that makes me strange or “intense,” because I meant every word I said to you. My feelings were honest and sincere and nothing will ever change that.
Despite everything, I hope that on some level, those genuine feelings help you heal. I hope they plant roots in your heart and soul that make it possible for you to grow into the exceptional man I saw in you, and that they help you become less afraid to truly feel and love someone. You seemed like you wanted that connection so badly, but were too afraid to have the real thing. Maybe that’s just me being a pretentious emotional jackass, but from your seemingly sincere behavior, and adamant insistence on intimacy and emotional vulnerability, it’s what I saw. I hope meeting me somehow made your life better instead of worse, even though you couldn’t do the same for me; I hope you never leave another person the way you left me.
I’ll always wonder if you fully understood how much you meant to me, and how much it crushed me when I realized I wasn’t even close to meaning that much to you. I don’t know what’s worse– you being completely oblivious to your significance in my life, or being fully aware of it and not caring at all.
I know I can’t keep letting you haunt me.
I know I can’t stay in this little corner I’ve carved for you in my mind and heart, nestled in my memory of you. I know I have to find a way to let you go, but I also know that I need to do so on my own terms, in my own time.
With each day that passes, I hope to get at least one small step closer to forgiving you, and accepting that you’re truly gone- though I know I have a long, lonely road ahead.
I don’t miss you, but I miss how alive you made me feel, and what could have been- if only we had more time.
Rest In Peace.
~ Final Moments ~
“Are you hiding from me down there…?”
His lips curve into a smile.
His hands playfully tug on my hair.
His voice mischievously taunts me.
I don’t know what to say…
I bury my face further into his chest.
I listen to the soothing murmur of his
heartbeat.
I absorb every. last. detail.
For another time, another life…
“Just give me a moment…”
A moment to remember
your hands
effortlessly entwining with mine.
A moment to remember
your arms
firmly wrapping around me.
A moment to remember
your fingers
slowly weaving through my hair.
A moment to remember
your lips
softly caressing my forehead.
A moment to remember
your eyes
dreamily gazing into mine.
A moment to remember
finally feeling
at peace.
With life.
With you.
With myself.
For once.
Just for a moment.
This moment.
It will be over soon…
I wish we could be even closer.
I wish I could make this last longer.
I wish I could tell him everything.
I know he will tell me nothing.
I know this is all we’ll ever have.
I know he will disappear.
I know,
but still,
I wish…
So I stay here
in this corner of my memory-
nuzzled in his chest,
attuned to his heart,
enveloped in his arms-
and I hug him a little tighter.
“What was that for?”
He tilts his head.
He raises his brow.
He smirks with amusement.
What can I say…?
It was for this moment-
this brief but powerful collision,
this sudden merging of our timelines,
this unexpected connection-
so you will always remember
that you are not alone.
You won’t remember
my face.
You won’t remember
my voice.
You won’t even remember
my name.
But no matter where life takes you-
though I know it will be far,
and full of adventure-
whenever you feel lonely:
Remember
the calming warmth of my embrace.
Remember
the sweet scent of my hair.
Remember
the gentle touch of my hands.
Remember
the timid softness of my lips.
Remember
the shy darkness of my eyes.
Remember
what we almost shared…
Almost.
As you live on inside my mind
I’m haunted by this question:
Was any of it real,
or just my own invention?
Perhaps it’s too much too ask-
I know it’s foolish to even hope…
But if I ever had the chance to choose:
I’d rather live as a
Memory,
than die a forgotten
Ghost.
– remember me (?)
Xx,
K
*Inspirational Songs of Choice:
“Still Hurting” – Anna Kendrick (from the movie/musical The Last Five Years)
“Unusual Way” – Nicole Kidman (from the movie/musical Nine)
“The Iron Throne” – Ramin Djawadi (from the series finale of Game of Thrones)
“Don’t Forget Me”- Katharine McPhee (from the musical TV series SMASH)
