“Fearless.” “Strong.” “Confident.” I’ve seen/heard these words thrown around by my friends, family, and peers for the majority of my life, but I never really understood (and still don’t understand) why. This isn’t a “humble brag,” or a ploy to trick you into giving me a compliment- I’m telling you this in case you somehow think that I have this huge pool of self-esteem inside of me. I never realized that I gave off that impression until more recently, but trust me when I say that 99.9% of the time I feel like an anxious disaster of a mortal who causes chaos and destruction everywhere I go. The other .1% I feel motivated to write blog posts about female empowerment while wearing my favorite lingerie & leather jackets. You know, balance.
For the amount of time I spend in my head, you’d think it would be a more peaceful place.
I’m here to tell you this is not the case.
I’ve always struggled with being too “hesitant.” I’m a very passionate person, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I become numb/subdued and miss out on amazing people/opportunities. I am at constant war with myself- should I obey the constricting rules society has placed on me (“don’t leave the secure job that drains your soul,” “don’t date that guy unless he wants a serious relationship,” “don’t wear that outfit, your cleavage is showing,” “don’t swear, it’s not ladylike”) , or do I say “FUCK IT” and shatter every expectation that has been placed on me- not just as a woman, but as a person? Decisions, decisions. Everyone has a different perception of us in their minds- you don’t owe it to them to live up to it. The only perception of you that truly matters is your OWN.
This past year has involved a lot of risks – both personally and professionally. A lot of people’s perceptions of me were challenged, and even defied. On my lowest days, I will admit that part of me regrets some of my decisions, but overall a lot of those risks were rewarded with people and experiences that I would never trade for anyone or anything else, so I’ll take that as a (rare) win for now.
Despite my habit of hesitation, I’ve always had a key rule for myself: be kind, be brave, & be genuine. It’s what has kept me here this long. As you can imagine, that intensity hasn’t always been met with mutual kindness or candidness. Everyone has different standards/expectations for themselves & the people in their lives, and, even though it took a while, I now understand it’s ok if they don’t always match my own.
That being said, I still try my best to keep the promise I made to myself, and to follow my little “rule.” No matter how tempting it may be sometimes, I will never settle for someone or something that I don’t truly want (I like to think it’s a sign of strength, but deep down I know it’s purely because of exceptional stubbornness🙈😝).
If there’s anything the current worldly situation has proven, it’s to not let fear prevent you from taking chances in your life. I’m not saying you have to be “fearless.” We ALL have fear- it’s part of the human experience. I just hope you don’t let it consume you to the point of not living your life.
You can still be nervous and go on the audition or date. You can still feel insecure and wear a leather crop top. You can still doubt yourself and know that you deserve the absolute BEST this life has to offer. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Don’t be afraid of what other people think of you (including any “inner demons” you may have).
Don’t be afraid to be YOURSELF.
I dare you. 💋⚔️🖤
*Inspirational Song of Choice: “Come For Me”- New Years Day